TTC Cycle day 29

So today is test day, which means that I was supposed to get my period yesterday. All day yesterday I felt like my period was coming, well let me be more specific by saying that I got the cramps that I get before the really bad cramps come on. Because of my endo when I really cramp they are unbearable. But these ones were more like the cramps I get that are just uncomfortable (the ones I get that let me know that the worst is yet to come). The thing is they didn't get any worse (or better for that matter). So here I am today a whole day late and I still have the cramps...and now I have brown spotting. My cervix which I normally don't check is super low.

I really thought that I was pregnant this cycle until a few days ago when I felt like I lost my symptoms. Yes my breasts were still tender but nowhere near the same extent and the bloating deflated, not all the way, but enough to notice. I don't really have any hope left for this cycle. I haven't tested today as I have been testing since cycle day 23 and have been getting BFN's (Big Fat Negatives). So with the spotting this morning if I don't get my period in a couple of days I'll test again then. But I don't think I'm going to make it until then :(

I'm super depressed today and I think it's because Christmas is right around the corner. I was really hoping that we would be able to share some exciting news with our families and now it doesn't look like that is going to happen. I'm hanging onto a sliver of hope right now. I have heard of cramping and spotting in early pregnancy but I haven't heard of cramping, spotting, low temperatures, and a low cervix with a good outcome.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Week 6

So for the past week I have been battling with some symptoms...I wasn't sure if they were all in my head because lets face it I want to be pregnant so bad I could turn almost anything into a pregnancy symptom, but after looking at my measurements for the week it would make sense that I would have breast pain (starting two days past ovulation) and cramping and bloating. I mean from last week my boobs have expanded an inch and a half and my waist three whole effing inches. That's a whole inch larger than I started with 6 weeks ago. Sure that's not the only places I've gained this week but they are the biggest changes. I swear I've been sticking to my diet. I noted that last week I woke up starving but I didn't eat anymore than I was in previous weeks I just ate sooner. This is so frustrating. Another thing that has been bothering me lately is my back. And why wouldn't it. Now that my lady friends are spilling out of my bras it is only logical that my back would hurt. Ummmm what else. Oh (TMI) I have cervical mucus everyday since a few days before ovulation. Normally the only time I have CM is right before I ovulate for a couple of days and a couple of days before Aunt Flow comes. I have also had varying degrees of cramping. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it would be the best Christmas present ever! I am going to wait five more days until I test. Wish me luck and baby dust :)

Measurements:
Weight 196 lbs -6 lbs
Arm (L) 13 (R) 13
Neck 14
Bust 41.5-.5
Chest 34 -1
Waist 43 +1
Hips 46.5 -.5
Thigh (L) 24.5 -1 (R) 24 -1.5

Week 5

So for the past week or so I've been waking up STARVING. Like I need to eat before I do anything else, including my morning washroom break. I hope this means that my body's metabolisim is improving. As of December 1st I've started to workout as well to help things along. My BBF burnt a workout DVD which only takes 20 minutes a day to complete. So I have no excuse to not workout! I'm really excited to see that all of my measurements have now had a loss. It's amazing what can happen when you eat right.

Measurements:
Weight 194 lbs -8 lbs
Arm (L) 13 -.5 (R) 13 - .5
Neck 13.5 -.5
Bust 40 -2
Chest 33.5 -1.5
Waist 40 -1.5
Hips 46 -1
Thigh (L) 24.5 -1 (R) 24.5 -1

TTC Cycle day 17

So a few days ago I went to my follow up Doctor's appointment to get the results from a bunch of tests I've had done over the past couple of months. Unfortunately, it looks as though I have endometriosis information about it found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endometriosis . So my Doctor informed me that I have three options. The first one would be where I would go on birth control as the hormones that I would be feeding my body would stop my period altogether, thus equalling no more pain - no more endo. For obvious reasons I did not want to do this. I mean we are trying to have a baby here. The second option is to have surgery to remove the endo. It's a non-invasive day procedure where she would make a couple of incisions on my lower abdomen and laser off the cysts and whatnot. The third option would be to get pregnant. She (my dr.) said her wait times for surgery right now are a year long wait. However, she thinks that I have a severe case of endo so she has put me on her priority/cancellation list. I will be called with a surgery date within the next three months. So what does this mean? Well I have three months to get pregnant. YIKES. I am trying not to stress out over it. But I know these things can take time. It's hard not to constantly think of it, when I already wanted to get pregnant for so long already let alone having to accomplish it in a controlled time frame. The good news is at least I don't have to be in pain for another full year (if we don't get pregnant before then) and that my other test results came back with flying colours. My dr. is encouraged that it is possible to achieve the pregnancy before having to go ahead with surgery. So keep your fingers crossed for us.

By looking at my fertility chart, I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday. Hopefully in a couple of weeks time I'll have a really great update to share!

Week 4

Last weekend I went shopping in the States with my BFF. Instead of being super dissapointed that I couldn't fit into the cute clothes that were everywhere I felt inspired. I can't wait to buy stylish clothes again and as a bonus my mastercard bill was kept to an all time low!

Measurements:
Weight 194 lbs -8 lbs
Arm (L) 13 -.5 (R) 13 - .5
Neck 14
Bust 41 -1
Chest 33.5 -1.5
Waist 40.5 -1
Hips 46.5 -.5
Thigh (L) 24.5 -1 (R) 24.5 -1

Wide Eyed

Wide eyed and hopeful
that my womb
will bear
untold treasures

Wide eyed and hopeful
that I will feel
the sweetness
of love

Wide eyed and hopeful
but sure that I will know
the dawn
of a new creation

-Trying to Conceive Poem by Milliande

Down 6 pounds.....

.....in two weeks plus a mini vacation!?!?! Heck YES! But my success will be short lived if I don't get my butt to the store and buy more fruits and veggies! Sorry for such a short post.

Measurements:
Weight 196 lbs -6 lbs
Arm (L) 13.5 (R) 13.5
Neck 14
Bust 42
Chest 35
Waist 41.5 -.5
Hips 46.5 -.5
Thigh (L) 25 -.5 (R) 25 -.5

So I've lost 6 lbs and 2 inches in two weeks...not too shabby :)

TTC Cycle day 1

After two and a half years of marriage and four and a half years of being together my husband is FINALLY ready to work on adding another person in our family. I couldn't be more excited!

To prepare for such an event I have been taking folic acid (as prescribed by my family doctor), charting my morning temperatures to see when I ovulate, and trying to get my eating habits under control. For the past three months these are the things I have learnt with regards to my cycle. I have a pretty average 28 day cycle. However, I do NOT ovulate on cycle day 14. It turns out that it's a few days after that....more like cycle day 18-20.

I have also purchased a sperm friendly lubricant called preseed which we will use in a couple of weeks time. I'm really hoping that our journey to getting pregnant is a short one. But I realize these things can take awhile.

Last weekend my husband and I went away for the weekend to Victoria for part 1 of our "babymoon". A babymoon kind of like a honeymoon but it's a vacation you take before the baby comes as opposed to a honeymoon which you go away after the wedding. It is to celebrate the last vacation together just as a couple. Part 2 of our babymoon will come in the final days of my pregnancy.

I plan on updating throughout my cycles as a way to look back, kind of like an online pregnancy journal.

Please feel free to ask me any questions, and I'll do my best to answer them(so long as they are not super personal).

Copied from old blog...

Thursday, November 4, 2010
Restarting a year latter. Day 1

Ok so this morning reality slapped me in the face. This is the THIRD time I've really broken down and cried about my weight. Each time I vow that it will be the last...each time I set a limit for myself before reality gets the best of me. The first time I started freaking out I think I was about 170 lbs. The next time I was in the 180's. So for the past year I secretly said to myself so long as I don't get to 200 lbs I'll be ok with what I weigh. Well this morning out of the blue I wipped the dust of my bathroom scale, held my breath, and had the devastation devour me. 202 lbs. I knew it was right. It's time to put on my big girl pants (not to be mistaken with my fat girl pants) and do something about this. Like NOW. No more talking about it. I tired of looking at myself in the mirror and not seeing the girl that I feel like inside. It's horrifying to think that I've let it go this bad.

I have no excuses left to use up. I know what I need to do...I just have to stick to it.

Measurements:
Weight 202 lbs
Arm (L) 13.5 (R) 13.5
Neck 14
Bust 42
Chest 35
Waist 42
Hips 47
Thigh (L) 25.5 (R) 25.5

Jealousy

It's easy to look at the behavior of others to justify our feelings. But no matter what other people do or say, we are ultimately responsible for our own feelings. You could probably convince anyone who will listen that another person's behavior is deplorable and it's natural for you to feel the way you do. But isn't that giving them all the power over how you feel? How does giving away your power affect you? Can you do something to reverse that? Without my saying so, of course you know that you can. Intuitively you know that only you are responsible for how you feel.

Jealousy is a tricky one. Often, it is precipitated by a loved one acting inappropriately and not considering your feelings, or by an imagined indiscretion, or by comparing, or wanting, or coveting. More often than not, we create scenarios in our mind to feed this green-eyed monster. Usually, it has little to do with the truth, the real circumstances. Mostly it has to do with the fear of losing something or someone we want-case of our petty ego taking control. And our self esteem is often at issue whether we realize it or not. Because we're so intent on watching and imagining the antics of others, we cannot even see ourselves in the picture.

So the first thing to do when jealousy rears its ugly head is to do an about-face and look in the mirror at yourself. Investigate the source of the feeling. Divorce it from the current target. See how far back it goes. Then admit that at the core of the jealous feeling is love. Focus on that. See how fear gets into the mix to disguise and obscure the truth. Keep focusing on the love. Express those love feelings to the person who has aroused the jealousy. Take a risk. Express yourself, your truth, your love.

Don't expect anything in return. Luxuriate in the pure nature of giving. Withhold nothing. Spend it all. When you do this, love will come back to you tenfold. It may not come from where you're looking, so be prepared and open and available for anything. Don't lock yourself into any corners that you can't move out of. Open your heart wide, and love, not jealousy, will be your reward.

Focus on the Moment - I often have to come back to this one

The ultimate aim of quiet-corner practice is to bring ourselves into the present moment, to make ourselves aware of what is happening now - not yesterday or tomorrow, but now. It is to bring us into this moment and keep us here. You may not yet be aware that you are not always living in the moment. But as you continue on the quiet-corner path, your awareness will improve. You will notice more readily when you are regressing or projecting. When you do notice this happening, try centering your attention on your breath. Your breath will always help you focus on the present. If you take three deep breaths at such times, you will notice where you are and how you're feeling. Take stock of yourself. Look around you and notice something about your surroundings. Place yourself firmly in the present by taking note of the shoes you're wearing. Take three more deep breaths and notice your posture. Are you holding on to some tension? Breathe into it and let it go. What activity are you engaged in? Bring all your attention to it and breathe. Don't think about finishing it-just be in it.

Who's Looking - Thoughts on my Quiet Corner

Awards ceremonies, diplomas, honor rolls, first-place medals, promotions, pay raises, scholarships-these are just some of the ways that our society recognizes and rewards achievement. It is often what motivates us, the carrot at the end of the stick. When we search for a quiet corner, there is no tangible carrot awaiting us. And we're not being graded. No one is watching.

We enter the stream alone and report back only to ourselves. The rewards are quiet, subtle ones-no marching bands. When we keep at it, those we love will share in the benefits without perhaps even knowing how or why. Let your quiet corner be a place where you commune with yourself and, if it works for you, with your higher power. No one is watching. But everyone gains.

Backpack

How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you are carrying a backpack. I want you to feel the straps on your shoulders. I want you to pack it with all the stuff you have in your life. Lets start with the little things. The shelves and drawers and nick knacks, collectibles. Feel the weight as that adds up. You start adding larger stuff. Clothes, table-top appliances, lamps, linens, your T.V. I can imagine that's getting pretty heavy now. You go bigger. Your couch, bed, your kitchen table. Stuff it all in there. Your car. Get it in there. Your home. Whether it's a studio apartment or a two story house. I want you to stuff it all in to that backpack. Now try to walk. It's kind of hard isn't it? This is what we do to ourselves on a daily basis. We weigh ourselves down until we cannot even move and make no mistake moving is living. Now I'm going to set that backpack on fire. What do you want to take out of it? Photos? Photos are for people who can't remember. Drink some Ginko. Let the photos burn. In fact, let everything burn and imagine waking up tomorrow with nothing. It's kind of exhilarating isn't it?

The Essence of Buddhism...

The essence of Buddhism is no more than living in harmony with the changing circumstances of one's life, without strain or compulsion.

Words To Live By

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace - that where there is hatred, I may bring love - that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness - that where there is discord, I may bring harmony - that where there is error, I may bring truth - that where there is doubt, I may bring faith - that where there is despair, I may bring hope - that where there are shadows, I may bring light - that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted - to understand, than to be understood - to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life, Amen.

-by St. Francis of Assisi